Many unusual things have happened in the time I've been "laid up". I've reconnected with people I never thought I'd hear from again, I am in daily contact with a cousin whom I've not spoken to in over twenty years and my brother (a guy who does not believe in wasting words) and I have had several heart-to-hearts. This is not normal.
The most unusual thing, however, is that I've been spending lots of time in the kitchen. Strange, since I don't really cook! Anything to overcome the boredom! If I were to become a chef, I think I would be a pastry chef or I would make a good baker. I don't make anything that is actually healthy. That goes against my policy, "If it doesn't have sugar, don't eat it." I have perfected a little thing called "The Chocolate Chip Cookie" and am mastering a tangy delight called "The Lemon Square". Today, however, I will be masterfully coordinating the appropriate ingredients comprising "Strawberry Shortcake". Eat your heart out, Paula Deen - a stick of butter, my foot! I have strawberries running out of my ears resulting from a trip to Randazzo's last week. I originally intended these berries for "Fruit Pizza", which worked beautifully, except that I bought two cartons too many!
I am reminded of a time when I was not allowed in the kitchen... It was a low point in my life. I was about thirteen years old and had developed a poor track record when it came to culinary success. I remember one particular situation involving a chocolate pie that turned out to be lemon....or was it a lemon pie that turned out to be chocolate....??? I remember melting chocolate squares in the microwave. No big deal....except that the bowl was not microwave safe. Upon "nukeage", the bowl began to melt into the chocolate. That was the day that I found out that chocolate is tough stuff! The chocolate did not melt, yet the bowl did. I remember spending about 45 minutes to an hour peeling plastic away from the chocolate. Aha! I believe that's when I decided to make a lemon pie! And my church actually lets me put on luncheons....!
There were other minor incidents, of course. There was the great "Whoopie Pie" ordeal of '91. Terrible name for a recipe... Anyway, I had decided to make thick, fluffy chocolate cookies (a.k.a. "Whoopie Pies"), not knowing that the recipe would generate approximately 100 of these lead rockets... With each new ingredient, I had to upgrade to a larger bowl. I had more dough then I knew what to do with. Of course it was about that time that I heard the garage door opening and realized that my parents were arriving home. Uh-oh! So, I proceeded to do what anyone in a culinary crisis about to get busted by her parents would do! I've found that the toilet is the answer to all of life's accidental kitchen creations. I rushed into the bathroom conveniently located just off the kitchen, mammoth bowl of dough in hand, and proceeded to cover my tracks. Down the hatch, glob by glob, or dollop by dollop if you are Martha Stewart, went the sticky black concoction. I kept shoveling out the goods until I was down to one, manageable little lump of dough. I rushed back into the kitchen just as the door opened. In walked the queen bee (my mother). She, of course, was "concerned" that I was at work yet again. Some of the concern, however, was deflated upon realization that I had only a small lump of dough to contend with. I was a genius! I proceeded to bake these puppies and was so proud of myself when the timer went off. These beauties looked perfect! Upon retrieving one cookie from the pan, I noticed that it felt exceptionally heavy and looked.....BLACK! It tasted like charcoal (or what I would imagine charcoal to taste like). That was the day "Whoopie Pies" became known as lead rockets.
Fortunately, those days are behind me. I am no longer banned from the kitchen, but I am under utmost scrutiny when I am at work. That is bothersome at it is more difficult to sneak a taste of cookie dough while under surveilance, but it is the price I must pay for culinary success!
TIP: "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." - Psalm 34:8 Next time I've invited you over for dinner, remember that the Lord is good and, as you stare into the blackened abyss that is your 11 oz. Porterhouse (I prefer to call it "well done"), you can take refuge in Him.
Here is one of my all-time favorite recipes:
25 min
25 min
16 servings, 1 slice each
1 tsp. Vanilla
1/2 cup Powdered Sugar
PREHEAT oven to 350°F. Press dough evenly into 12-inch pizza pan. Bake as directed on cookie dough package.
REMOVE crust from pan; place on serving plate. Spread with combined powdered sugar, vanilla and cream cheese; top with fruit. Cover and refrigerate until ready to serve. Cut into 16 slices to serve. Store leftover pizza in refrigerator.
NOTE: You may also prepared this on a large cookie sheet. Rarely do I make a pizza shape.
SUBSTITUTE: It's also fun to buy chocolate chip cookie dough and use crumpled candy bars for the same effect.
5 comments:
Val- halarious! I too have had my culinary crisis in the kitchen, but all worth it to attain true culinary status amongst my family and friends. One time as a teen I was baking brownies and since we didn't have eggs, figured it was not important. Hence...a brown, gooey mess! Yuck! :) I can't wait to taste something you make!
That sounds like something I would do!
When I was first married, I made spaghetti for the first time from scratch. I didn't know ANYTHING! The recipe called for a couple of cloves of garlic and I thought that meant the whole thing. Whoo- you could smell us coming!
You could keep this post going for a while, Val!
I suppose I could make some sort of variation on Dolly Parton's "If you want to see the rainbow, you have to endure the rain. Maybe, "If you want to enjoy the pasta, you have to endure the smoke?" Not sure yet...
I made the same mistake as Ruthanne in a korean dish once, when I was pregnant! Needless to say I have not eaten that dish in over 17 years!!!! I have since learned a "clove" from a "bulb" of garlic. :)
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