The "Lemonator"...

I realized I haven't blogged in a VERY LONG TIME! I haven't had much to say. Lately, some new material has surfaced. Any faithful reader will remember the grape analogy that I've used frequently while blogging, and that I am trying to achieve the characteristics and attributes of a true grape. I think I've recently learned that grapes are sometimes grapes of wrath. This will make more sense as you continue to read.

Recently, "Chef Val" (and, no, I do not normally refer to myself in the third person....that's a little weird) completed another kitchen creation. -- I decided to make Lemon Squares, one of my favorite desserts. I gathered all of my ingredients together, mixed everything accordingly and I even squeezed FRESH lemon juice into the batter. Hearing the stove timer go off was like music to my ears. This meant that I was 25 minutes closer to biting into one of the warm, citrus delights I'd just slaved over. I pulled the pan out of the oven, set it on the counter to cool and made a trip to the bathroom (the last fact would not normally be pertinent to a story, but it is in this situation). Upon returning from the bathroom (not even 3 minutes later), I found a big black and white fluffy monster standing on her hind legs with her head buried in the cooling pan of lemon squares. I was instantly transformed into a "grape of wrath". I rolled as fast as my leg would push me over to the ferocious beast consuming my baked goods (keep in mind that I am still using a scooter!) and proceeded to swat her furry rump with a kitchen towel. Fat lot of good that did! She continued eating out of the burning hot pan as though no one else was in the room. The least she could've done was acknowledge my wrath! That was it! Time to put the gloves on. I reached into a drawer and pulled out the oven mitts and proceeded to pry the pan away from the "Lemonator". The "Lemonator" goes by another alias: "Maggie", as well as "English Setter". Many would think, upon first glance, that she is cute and docile, not understanding that she belongs to a gang I like to call "The Counter Surfers". -- The struggle to regain possession of my precious Lemon Squares went on for hours.... Okay, so it was only a couple of seconds, but it felt like Pearl Harbor all over again. I thought I was going to have to call in reinforcements: the fly swatter and the squirt bottle - two of Maggie's most dreaded enemies. Finally, the great beast relinquished her jaws-of-life vice on the pan and the victory was mine.....or so I thought. Upon actually looking down into the pan, I realized that only half the contents remained...

IMPORTANT LESSON: Let experience be your guide. For example, when you find that your dog can consume an entire Thanksgiving pumpkin pie without becoming ill, eat a whole bag of Hershey Kisses without negative ramifications, inhale razor blades without any pain at all, survive electricution while gnawing on an extension cord, destroys your electric toothbrush while licking acid off of the batteries, and inhale half a pan of Lemon Squares in no time flat, DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING ON THE COUNTER! By the way, Maggie would like for everyone to know that textiles are her favorite snacks: toilet paper (fresh off the role, of course), underwear (pre-laundered), socks (the smellier, the better), t-shirts (clean or dirty), and blankets (only the best, most expensive ones), and, although this is not a textile, CHAP STICK is one of her personal faves....

FYI: The brownies that I just pulled out of the oven are cooling safely on top of the refrigerator. May the force be with her if she finds a way to get into those...